Exhibit A
Mario Kart 64 (Nintendo 64, 1996)
Four-player split screen on a chunky TV in the lounge room. Eight racers per race, which meant my last place was 8th. Simpler times. Same result.
Journal of Extremely Last Place Studies · Vol. 1, Issue 1,284
Project NOT LAST
I am bad at Mario Kart. Not “a bit rusty” bad. Not “haven't played in a while” bad. Statistically, historically, unbelievably bad.
I have dedicated my life (evenings) to a single research question: is it possible for Lucas to not finish last? These are my findings.
Abstract
Over 1,284 races, the subject (me) finished last 1,279 times. The remaining five results (11th place) all occurred when another player's controller ran out of battery. We propose that the subject is, in some way, cursed. Further research is required. Further research is always required.
1,284races entered
0wins
0podiums
99.6%last place rate
Figure 1: Finishing Positions
Note: in 2025 they released a Mario Kart with 24 racers. I came 24th. Twelve more people to lose to. Excluded from this study for my own wellbeing.
The Archive: Where It All Went Wrong
I've been losing at Mario Kart across several generations of consoles. These two are the classics.
Exhibit B
Mario Kart: Double Dash!! (GameCube, 2003)
Two characters per kart: one drives, one throws items. So now I could finish last with a teammate. A purple box with a handle, so I could carry my shame to friends' houses.
Hypotheses Tested
| # | Hypothesis | Result | Status |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | A heavy character (Bowser) will stay on the track. | Stayed on the track. Went the wrong way on it. 12th. | Rejected |
| 2 | A light character (Baby Peach) will be faster. | Faster at falling off. 12th, but cuter. | Rejected |
| 3 | Turning on auto-steer and auto-accelerate will help. | 12th. Even the robot gave up. | Rejected |
| 4 | Holding the controller upside down will confuse the game. | Confused me. 12th. | Unclear |
| 5 | Wearing my lucky capris will improve aerodynamics. | 11th place, once. Once! | Promising |
| 6 | Eating avocado mid-race will provide energy. | Controller is now green and slippery. 12th. | Rejected |
| 7 | If I politely ask my friends to slow down, they will. | They sped up. And laughed. | Rejected |
| 8 | Practising Rainbow Road will make me better at Rainbow Road. | Fell off 47 times in a single lap. Possible world record? | Ongoing |
Figure 2: Crash Site Map
Every incident from my most recent attempt at two classic tracks, mapped for science. Pick a track, click the numbers, or watch the replay.
Lab Notebook
— Tried drifting. Drifted straight into the lake. Lakitu and I are on a first-name basis now. His name is Lakitu.
— Was in 11th place for nearly four seconds. Got excited, looked at the crew to celebrate. Hit a wall. 12th.
— Picked up a blue shell while in last place. Fired it. It hit the leader. The leader still finished ahead of me. Lap two of the next race, the leader fired a blue shell at me. I wasn't even first. I think the game just doesn't like me.
— Firefighting skills not transferable. Tried to put out a fireball with my Fire Flower. Became a fireball.
— Wrote a Python script to analyse my racing lines. Ran it. The script recommends “not playing”. Ignored the script.
— New theory: the kart is the problem. Tested all karts. The kart is not the problem.
— Asked the crew for tips. Was told “just don't be last”. Wrote this down. Have tried it. Doesn't work.
Run a Simulation
Simulate one of my races, using advanced computer science.
Press the button. Brace for 12th.
Current Leading Theory
The Banana Doctrine: Pick up a banana. Hold it behind the kart. Never let go of it. Drive slowly, defensively, in a straight line, and wait for everyone else to make mistakes.
Early results: 12th. But a more dignified 12th.
Acknowledgements
This research is supported by nobody. Special thanks to my friends, who have all beaten me, and to Lakitu, who has rescued me more times than I have rescued cats.