Everything Is Better With Avocado

When I'm in the kitchen, I'm not Lucas. I'm Avochando: part man, part avocado, all guacamole.

Where did the name come from? It came to me in a dream. I was a large avocado, wearing capris, riding a jet ski. I woke up and made toast. With avocado.

23avocados this week

0days since last avocado

0003avocados eaten while you've been reading this

The Avochando Ripeness Scale

Avocados have five stages of life. You get roughly eleven minutes in stage four.

RockCould be used as a doorstop. Or a weapon.

Thinking“Maybe tomorrow,” it says. It's lying.

AlmostGives slightly. Like my Mario Kart opponents. (They don't.)

PerfectEat it. Eat it now. Drop everything.

BrownSmoothie time. Nothing is wasted at Avochando's.

Avochando's Signature Recipes

Tested by me. Rated by me. Then rated by people who were forced to eat them.

Breakfast

🥣 Avo Weet-Bix

3 Weet-Bix
½ avocado, smashed
Cold milk
A pinch of salt (trust me)

Smash the avo on top of the Weet-Bix like you're icing a cake. Pour milk around it. Do not stir. Let it become one.

Lucas: 🥑🥑🥑🥑🥑 · Dad: 🥑

Drinks

🥤 The Vegemite Avo Smoothie

1 whole avocado
1 banana
1 teaspoon Vegemite
Milk, ice, courage

Blend until green-brown. Drink quickly. Feel extremely Australian.

Lucas: 🥑🥑🥑🥑 · Crew: “why”

Dinner

🍝 Spag Bol con Aguacate

Your dad's spag bol
2 avocados, diced
Parmesan

Make spag bol as normal. At the very end, add an unreasonable amount of avocado. Stir gently. It turns the sauce a colour I can only describe as “swamp”. Delicious swamp.

Lucas: 🥑🥑🥑🥑🥑 · Dad: has stopped lending me his recipe

Christmas Special

🎄 Guac-a-Pavlova

1 pavlova base
Whipped cream
Fresh guacamole (no onion, I'm not a monster)
Kiwi fruit for camouflage

Layer cream, then guac, then kiwi so nobody can tell. Serve at Christmas lunch. Watch faces.

Lucas: 🥑🥑🥑🥑 · Family: no longer invites me to bring dessert

Footy Food

🥧 The Avo Pie Floater

1 servo meat pie
1 bowl of guacamole, warm
Tomato sauce

Classic pie floater, but instead of pea soup, the pie floats in warm guac. A Sydney twist on an Adelaide classic. Adelaide has not responded to my emails.

Lucas: 🥑🥑🥑🥑🥑 · South Australia: blocked

Party Food

🧚 Avo Fairy Bread

White bread
Avocado instead of butter
Hundreds and thousands

Spread, sprinkle, cut into triangles. Kids' parties will never be the same. I'm no longer allowed at kids' parties.

Lucas: 🥑🥑🥑🥑 · Children: 🥑🥑 (honestly not bad)

Late Nights

☕ Hot Avo Milo

3 heaped spoons of Milo
Hot milk
¼ avocado, blended smooth

For 2 AM coding sessions and late-night callouts. Thick, green-ish and full of “healthy fats”, which is what I tell everyone.

Lucas: 🥑🥑🥑 · Brigade: started hiding the Milo

On the housing market: people say young Aussies can't afford a house because we spend all our money on smashed avo. I've looked at the numbers, and honestly? Fair cop. No regrets.

Things I Have Not Put Avocado On (Yet)

Ice cream. (Lie. Done it. It was great.)
A Tim Tam. (Planning phase.)
My capris. (Accident. They're fine.)
A Mario Kart controller. (See Mario Kart Lab, Hypothesis 6.)